On November 14 & 15, a cluster of our village family and friends joined over a hundred people in Asheville for a Grief Ritual with Sobonfu Somé, sponsored by the School of Integrated Living (SOIL). Sobonfu is a gifted spiritual teacher from the Dagara tradition of Burkina Faso. This was the second time we were able to work with her.

It was especially enriching this year to share the ritual space with over 20 people from our extended village. We have woven together a life complete with broken dreams, shared losses, the hardships of living together, and the collective longing for a better world.

Sobonfu led the drumming and song that announced it was time to grieve. We created three altars: one for the ancestors, one for forgiveness, and one for grief. Each of us placed something on the grief altar to symbolize our grief. While grievers mourned, witnesses stood near and supported each one, as did the musicians and singers. Together we became a village with specific roles that made the grief ritual as powerful as it was. All in all, the message was—we cannot do this alone.

During the day, some of us reached out to each other, feeling the comfort and safety of being held in another’s arms. Being witnessed as we grieve is a powerful medicine, which breaks the spell of entrenched isolation and separation in modern culture that so often keeps us from reaching out. At the close of the ritual, Mana McLeod and Chris Farmer, both of Earthaven, had the honor of burying the grief bundle. I burst with emotion as the group thanked and welcomed them back in. It left me dreaming of a time when we are all welcomed with the same collective gratitude!

At the close of this ritual, my heart was so open; I felt such gratitude for the experiment called Earthaven.

Kimchi Rylander is an artist, deep ecologist, and permaculture activist who has been Earthaven’s Firekeeper for the last two years. Her grandest artistic endeavor is building a resilient ecovillage with 60 other cultural creatives at Earthaven. When she is not chair caning, you’ll find her in the forest harvesting a fresh batch of nettles and chickweed. Connect with Kimchi by email at kimchi-at-earthaven.org.

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Why a grief ritual?

We all experience pain and loss in life – conflict, illness, disappointed dreams, broken relationships, loved ones who die or suffer, even inherited or ancestral pain…. Having healthful ways to release that pain and regularly cleanse that space inside ourselves, helps prevent that old pain from smothering our creativity, our joy, and our ability to connect with others. Its impact affects our health, and can even kill us.

One way to work on this is to participate in a grief ritual, such as the kind Sobonfu Somé leads according to her own tradition from Burkina Faso, West Africa. This ritual is a transformational, soul-invigorating ceremony designed to break through cultural barriers to experiencing grief.

Periodically feeling and expressing grief in order to purge hurtful and painful experiences provides enormous emotional relief. In a culture where endemic suppression and denial of grief has been linked to life crises in all realms—spiritual, mental, emotional and physical, to begin to regain a serious and lasting connectedness with ourselves and with spirit, we need to find a proper place to release our grief.

The traditional Dagara of Burkina Faso conduct their ritual of grief regularly in different parts of the tribe, releasing tensions caused by loss and restoring continuity in relationships. What community can’t benefit when its members learn to honor and move through life’s harder moments?

The School of Integrated Living is honored to sponsor Sobonfu Somé in November, coming to Western North Carolina to facilitate a grief ritual. She brings a timely message about the importance of spirit, community, and ritual in our lives.

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